You Can't Keep A Secret If It Never Was A Secret To Start...

irregular

2009-03-26T08:48:13Z

nine little letters
one small word
total devastation

a life threatened
a world shattered
an idea of invincibility
suddenly destroyed

there's never been anything "regular"
about you
and, until now,
I loved that

I can't stop thinking
"what if...
what if...
what if...?"
I keep asking
not just afraid of the answers,
but the questions

I can't do this without you
I don't work when you're not around
you have to be strong...
for both of us

(...I don't want to think like this...)

Foolish Boy

2009-01-21T12:17:42Z

Thinking about you makes me smile
Until I remember the things you said
Why is it that your actions and words are always in conflict?
I wish you would love me
I wish you would know it
I’m tired of waiting around
What if it never happens?
What if you never realize what a mistake you’re making?
We could be so happy together
We already are
Well, when we’re not fighting
And why do you think that is?
We couldn’t get so angry with each other if we didn’t care
You care
I know you do
Even if you don’t
I know lots of things that you don’t
You said yourself that I’m a wise woman
And you’re just a foolish boy

Save Yourself

2009-01-21T12:15:44Z

You want to be my knight in shining armor
But I’m no damsel in distress
And you need to get off your high horse
I don’t need saving
I don’t need anything from you
Not help
Not pity
And certainly not a rescue
You think you know what’s best
But you couldn’t be more wrong
You just can’t see past your armor
I promise you
This is no fairytale
And you’re no hero
Your holier-than-thou attitude is getting old fast
Faster than your judgments
Quicker than your sword
Which is sharper than your tongue
You are inarticulate
And foolish
And I know more than you think
You look down on me from that pedestal you’ve put yourself on
But the truth is, you’re scared
You’re just a frightened, little child inside
No matter how hard you try to pretend
And I see right through you
You are confident only in your indecision
I am confident in your ability to decide
And your inability to admit, or own up to, it
You may think you’re confused
But it’s obvious to us all
You’re not fooling anyone but yourself
It’s pathetic
And sad
And you think I’m the one that needs help?
Why don’t you help yourself
Before doing me any favors
Trust me
You need it

Her

2008-07-23T08:32:50Z

I think about you
Thinking about her
The way I think about you
And it makes me sick
I wish I didn't know
Didn't have to see
Who it is I'm not as good as
Who you're dreaming of
When I'm lying with you
You're lying to me
And we're lying to ourselves
I know you wish I was her
Well, so do I
I'd be her if I could
With one tiny difference
I'd know what you're worth
And I'd love you back
Damn, she must be stupid!
Why is it her you want?
It really makes me sick...

We Just Fit

2008-04-18T10:02:09Z

I try so hard not to love you
But it just doesn't work

I can't help it;
It feels like life is this giant puzzle
This insane mess of total chaos and utter confusion
With more pieces than anyone could ever count
And the odds of anything ever really working
Of the pieces truly fitting together
Are astronomical
But, we do
We fit together perfectly
The way two pieces of a puzzle should
The way only two specific pieces can
And when we're apart
Nothing feels right

No one else fits me the way you do

Hatred

2008-04-13T08:43:58Z

I hate her...
I hate her name...
Hell, I hate anyone that shares her name!

I hate her family...
And I hate her college...
And I hate it when you talk about her!

I hate that her and I aren't all that different...
And I hate that, even still, she's the only one you love!

But...what I really hate...is feeling such hatred...

All I Can Think Of

2008-04-10T09:49:03Z

You swim around my mind
Like you're a fish and it's the ocean
You live inside my heart
As if it were your home
I close my eyes and see you
Though you're never really there
It seems like we're together
But I know that I'm alone

___ = Power...?

2008-03-27T06:31:24Z

Maybe I should accept it...?

Embrace it...?

Let it empower me...?

Maybe I should take advantage of being taken advantage of...?

Learn to like it even...?

But my bed is lacking the one thing I want most...

...And not even a violin, two books, two bags, and three CDs, can take your place...

I could never learn to like this...

And the last thing I am is empowered...

The Game Of LIFE

2008-03-06T01:23:01Z

I'm so tired of this game!
You always win,
And it's never fun...
At least not for anyone but you.
I never get anything I want,
You always get to go first,
I'm constantly losing my turn,
And you cheat all the time.
I don't even know why I bother playing!

Denial

2008-01-08T11:17:13Z

I hang on your every word
impatiently waiting for the ones I want to hear
the ones you know I'm looking for
the ones you'll never say
I feel your breath on my neck
and it sends chills up and down my spine
you place your hand on my hip
and playfully drum your fingers
you're trying so hard to fight this
but it's never been easy
and tonight is no exception
your hand slides down my thigh then up my back
I feel your heartbeat quicken
as what started as a slight urge
turns into a fervent desire
you've lost the battle
and there's no stopping it now
I turn to face you
my first move of the evening
you grab me tight and pull me in close enough to kiss you
I want to more than anything
but I don't
because it's all up to you
and we both know it
our legs intertwine and my hands find their way to your back
while yours choose to wander all over my body
our once steady breathing turns rapid and erratic
and I ache for you in every possible way
we're just a blur of movement now
with a crappy sofa-bed squeaking beneath us
I run my fingernails down your back
lightly at first
but then harder and harder
I would stay like this forever if you'd let me
but I know you won't
then our fit of passion ends just as quickly as it had started
and even though you're still holding me
you're a million miles away
and you took any hope I might have had that this time would be different with you
leaving me to feel utterly foolish
just like every other time
but I still hang on your every word
as few as that may be
waiting for the ones I want to hear
the ones I know you'll never say
even though you've already said the ones I hoped you wouldn't
the ones I knew you would
the ones you always do

Two Empty Vessels

2008-01-07T12:04:53Z

your silence eats away
at all the things I want to say
until there's nothing left at all
but for me
to listen to you breathe
and every time you inhale
I feel a part of me
being sucked into your lungs
but you don't let it stay
you exhale it away
into the world
never to return
it just evaporates
and with every one of your breaths
I have less and less
of myself
you hollow me out
then you make your move
and every touch tells me
I mean nothing to you
and every beat of your heart
puts us further apart
'til I hear your breath catch
and your sigh in the dark
and absolutely nothing else

there's nothing left for your silence to feed on

we're just two empty vessels
lying in the bed you made for us

Starlight

2007-10-23T12:37:23Z

Starlight, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight...

She wishes to be way up high
Another star up in the sky
To shine among the very best
But she can't sparkle like the rest

Starlight is not as bright
As all the other stars in sight
And though she wished with all her might
She never gives off that much light

...You always let me down.

2007-10-13T08:50:26Z

We've made it this far
But this could be the end
Will tonight be the night?
Will you fake it again?
Will you finally come clean?
Or will you pretend?

It's just you and me
There's no one else around
You could tell me the truth
You could not make a sound
You could lie through your teeth
Or lay it all down

It's wrong versus right
It's right now versus then
It's your heart versus lust
And it's lust versus them
It's a matter of choice
It's the choice of when

Is this really it?
Is it just it for now?
Will you let me go free?
Will you keep me around?
Let me down real gently?
Or just let me down...?

I can't even count the number of times you've let me down!

2007-10-08T09:24:12Z

The only thing I can count on
is
never being able to count on you.

Nothing Special

2007-10-07T10:10:58Z

I look into your eyes...and I see the world.

I see the life I want for myself...

And I see the love I've found...

But what I'm really seeing, are the eyes of someone who longs to be holding someone else...

Someone I'm not...

Someone I could never be...

...Her.

I know who she is...

You talk about her all the time...you don't even try to hide your feelings from me.

And why would you...?

You don't owe me anything...

We're not "together"...

But what are we then...?

Why do we keep finding ourselves in these situations?

Why am I the only one you can really talk to...?

Why am I the one who ends up in your bed...?

Why are my eyes the ones you end up staring into...?

Why am I the one in your arms...?

Why, when I'm the one who's always there for you...?

Why, when I'm the one who loves you...?

...Why is she still the one you [think you] want?

Maybe I'm just meant to be abhorred...?

2007-08-10T09:22:08Z

It aches me,
Shakes me
To my very core,
To not see you,
Be with you,
Have you want me anymore.

I Saw You Today

2007-07-03T05:21:49Z

I saw you today
My heart stopped beating
My eyes stopped blinking
My lungs stopped breathing
It was only for a second
But that was all it took
I had to put my head down
I couldn't bare to look
But I saw you cock your head
Ever-so-slightly
So, I said, "hello"
Ever-so-lightly
You asked how I was doing
I said I was fine
I can't help but wonder
If you knew it was a lie
We were silent for a second
I didn't know what to say
So, I complimented your 'outfit'
In a semi-mocking way
Which bought us another line,
Of small-talk, or two
Until the 'pleasantries' were done with
And I said, "good-bye," to you
As you walked away
I couldn't help but cry
Because I could feel that part of me
Once more, start to die
The part that was yours
All those years ago
The part that still loves you
The part that can't let go
You chose to break my heart
Like I broke yours way back when
And now every time I see you
It breaks all over again

Far From Fine

2007-06-03T06:45:56Z

You scream
And I cry

I ask
And you lie

"Everything's fine..."

I Make Myself Sick! (Literally.)

2007-05-11T01:32:22Z

I want to look nice
And not just for the night
For the rest of my life
I want to be good enough for you
And even though I know
I'll never do
I can't help but try
So, I poke and prod
And choke and cough
Until finally something comes out
It burns the back of my throat
But I figure, that's what 'pretty' feels like
So, I keep trying
Even though it hurts
But the next time
It's red
And I start shaking
Just knowing that I bled
And not in any sort of "normal" way
Just trying to make you love me
And I start crying
Just knowing that you never will
No matter how much of my food
Or blood
I throw up for you

We don't always get what we want...

2007-05-02T10:29:09Z

"I don't want a girlfriend"
I hear you say
There are a million things wrong with that
For starters, you're not even talking about me
I could never fit amongst the girls who came before
I'm not fit to be your lover
I'm barely fit to be your whore
Yet somehow we manage
A few times every month
To get in those positions
In which we always seem to wind up
That is, when you can take the time
To fit me in your life
When your real friends are all busy
And your dad's gone for the night
You don't want a girlfriend
You're content; you don't need one
You just want me to come over
When you're bored, and porn has lost its fun
You think relationships just complicate things
You'd rather stay the way you are
Keep me waiting by the phone
Looking at you like a star
And when you feel like talking about that girl
The one you really love
You call me up, and go on and on
About how you just can't get enough
How she's beautiful, and radiant
And sweet as can be
How she's a tiny, blond, "good girl"
Nothing at all like me
You tell me how much you want her
And that you hope she dumps that guy
The one she's been with for years now
Though no one seems to know why
And, how, if she were single
Then you'd make your move
Because you'd just love to be with her
But you think it'd be too soon
So, you'll wait for the right moment
To tell her how you feel
And I'll wait for you to notice
That what we have is real
But you never ever will
Because when you say
"I don't want a girlfriend"
You don't even think of me
You would never dream of putting
Me in that group
You don't want a girlfriend
You just want someone to use
And I'm the lucky girl
Who just happened to fall for you
And you'll continue to treat me like your best male friend
Who just happens to have boobs
That you touch every now and then
When times get hard, and 'something' gets harder
But this hole in my heart
Just keeps getting larger
Because you don't even know
Or at least you don't care
That I love you more and more
With every moment we share
And I know you'll never feel
The way that I do
"I don't want a girlfriend"
Yeah, well, I don't want to want you...

Being old doesn't make you a man!

2007-04-28T10:12:28Z

You say it's an age thing
But we all know that's absurd
Because age is just a number
Which is just another word
And actions speak much louder
The truth is, you don't want me
Me being older, wouldn't change that
And you can try to hide behind
Every excuse you can find
But I'm not stupid
And you're out of your mind
If you think I'm buying
What you're selling
I know you're lying
So, now I'm telling
If you want me to believe
That you're too much of a man for me
You better start acting like one...

I have never loved so much, nor will I again...

2007-04-07T13:21:42Z

I could never put into words my feelings for you,
They are far too deep and many,
But all I know is;
The sun has never shined brighter,
The birds have never sang louder,
The flowers have never smelt sweeter,
My heart has never been fuller,
And I have never been happier,
Than when I'm with you!

I could say that I hate this crap-ass excuse for a poem [Because, frankly, I really do]

2007-03-20T09:37:21Z

Everything I want to say has been said before
[And probably with greater reason]

I could say that I hate you
[Lord knows it's true]
But it's never made a difference before
[Besides, you're not reading this anyway]
I could say that this is making me sick
[This being you]
But I've said it a thousand other times
[And this time really isn't any different]
I could say that I'm better off
[And try to sound like I mean it]
But even you wouldn't buy that
[We all know "better" doesn't exist for me]
I could say that I don't care
[I probably have before]
But I'm a terrible liar
[Something we've never had in common]
I could say that I'm tired of living
[It feels that way sometimes, after all]
But I wouldn't want you to take pity
[Or think you were the reason]
I could say that this is fiction
[You'd probably believe me]
But I doubt I'll get the chance
[Besides, like I said, I'm a terrible liar]

I could say that I love you
[Lord knows it's true]
But it's never made a difference before
[Besides, you're not reading this anyway]

Metaphorically Speaking

2007-03-18T09:20:39Z

I could have had a ring,
But I chose a bracelet instead;
The ring was sterling silver,
The bracelet crimson red.

Not all stories end 'happily ever after'...

2007-03-16T11:53:29Z

She stood by the open window, trying to breathe, and maybe even calm down.

'You mustn't cry,' she thought to herself.

She never liked crying in front of him before, so there was no way in hell she was going to now.

He walked up behind her, and pressed his body into hers.

He wrapped his arms around her, as if to say, 'everything's going to be fine.'

(She knew it wasn't.)

And then...what had, at first, seemed like a comforting hug from a friend...started to feel like something else entirely...a lovers' embrace.

At that very moment, she knew she loved him more than she could possibly imagine.

And though nothing was said, or done, she could feel his love for her encompassing her entire body.

She couldn't help but notice that they had been that way, for what seemed like, ages...she didn't mind in the least.

And then, he whispered something so softly, she could barely make it out:

"I don't ever want to let you go..."

He held her tighter.

She was flooded with a sense of joy...a joy that, she thought, might last forever.

But, of course, immediately after that thought, he whispered something again:

"...But I'm going to."

Her heart dropped, and shattered, as his grip loosened.

Then he squeezed her one more time, tighter than he ever had before, and let go.

And just like that, he was gone.

He let go.