nine little letters
one small word
total devastation

a life threatened
a world shattered
an idea of invincibility
suddenly destroyed

there's never been anything "regular"
about you
and, until now,
I loved that

I can't stop thinking
"what if...
what if...
what if...?"
I keep asking
not just afraid of the answers,
but the questions

I can't do this without you
I don't work when you're not around
you have to be strong...
for both of us

(...I don't want to think like this...)

Thinking about you makes me smile
Until I remember the things you said
Why is it that your actions and words are always in conflict?
I wish you would love me
I wish you would know it
I’m tired of waiting around
What if it never happens?
What if you never realize what a mistake you’re making?
We could be so happy together
We already are
Well, when we’re not fighting
And why do you think that is?
We couldn’t get so angry with each other if we didn’t care
You care
I know you do
Even if you don’t
I know lots of things that you don’t
You said yourself that I’m a wise woman
And you’re just a foolish boy

You want to be my knight in shining armor
But I’m no damsel in distress
And you need to get off your high horse
I don’t need saving
I don’t need anything from you
Not help
Not pity
And certainly not a rescue
You think you know what’s best
But you couldn’t be more wrong
You just can’t see past your armor
I promise you
This is no fairytale
And you’re no hero
Your holier-than-thou attitude is getting old fast
Faster than your judgments
Quicker than your sword
Which is sharper than your tongue
You are inarticulate
And foolish
And I know more than you think
You look down on me from that pedestal you’ve put yourself on
But the truth is, you’re scared
You’re just a frightened, little child inside
No matter how hard you try to pretend
And I see right through you
You are confident only in your indecision
I am confident in your ability to decide
And your inability to admit, or own up to, it
You may think you’re confused
But it’s obvious to us all
You’re not fooling anyone but yourself
It’s pathetic
And sad
And you think I’m the one that needs help?
Why don’t you help yourself
Before doing me any favors
Trust me
You need it

I think about you
Thinking about her
The way I think about you
And it makes me sick
I wish I didn't know
Didn't have to see
Who it is I'm not as good as
Who you're dreaming of
When I'm lying with you
You're lying to me
And we're lying to ourselves
I know you wish I was her
Well, so do I
I'd be her if I could
With one tiny difference
I'd know what you're worth
And I'd love you back
Damn, she must be stupid!
Why is it her you want?
It really makes me sick...

I try so hard not to love you
But it just doesn't work

I can't help it;
It feels like life is this giant puzzle
This insane mess of total chaos and utter confusion
With more pieces than anyone could ever count
And the odds of anything ever really working
Of the pieces truly fitting together
Are astronomical
But, we do
We fit together perfectly
The way two pieces of a puzzle should
The way only two specific pieces can
And when we're apart
Nothing feels right

No one else fits me the way you do

I hate her...
I hate her name...
Hell, I hate anyone that shares her name!

I hate her family...
And I hate her college...
And I hate it when you talk about her!

I hate that her and I aren't all that different...
And I hate that, even still, she's the only one you love!

But...what I really hate...is feeling such hatred...

You swim around my mind
Like you're a fish and it's the ocean
You live inside my heart
As if it were your home
I close my eyes and see you
Though you're never really there
It seems like we're together
But I know that I'm alone

Maybe I should accept it...?

Embrace it...?

Let it empower me...?

Maybe I should take advantage of being taken advantage of...?

Learn to like it even...?

But my bed is lacking the one thing I want most...

...And not even a violin, two books, two bags, and three CDs, can take your place...

I could never learn to like this...

And the last thing I am is empowered...

I'm so tired of this game!
You always win,
And it's never fun...
At least not for anyone but you.
I never get anything I want,
You always get to go first,
I'm constantly losing my turn,
And you cheat all the time.
I don't even know why I bother playing!

I hang on your every word
impatiently waiting for the ones I want to hear
the ones you know I'm looking for
the ones you'll never say
I feel your breath on my neck
and it sends chills up and down my spine
you place your hand on my hip
and playfully drum your fingers
you're trying so hard to fight this
but it's never been easy
and tonight is no exception
your hand slides down my thigh then up my back
I feel your heartbeat quicken
as what started as a slight urge
turns into a fervent desire
you've lost the battle
and there's no stopping it now
I turn to face you
my first move of the evening
you grab me tight and pull me in close enough to kiss you
I want to more than anything
but I don't
because it's all up to you
and we both know it
our legs intertwine and my hands find their way to your back
while yours choose to wander all over my body
our once steady breathing turns rapid and erratic
and I ache for you in every possible way
we're just a blur of movement now
with a crappy sofa-bed squeaking beneath us
I run my fingernails down your back
lightly at first
but then harder and harder
I would stay like this forever if you'd let me
but I know you won't
then our fit of passion ends just as quickly as it had started
and even though you're still holding me
you're a million miles away
and you took any hope I might have had that this time would be different with you
leaving me to feel utterly foolish
just like every other time
but I still hang on your every word
as few as that may be
waiting for the ones I want to hear
the ones I know you'll never say
even though you've already said the ones I hoped you wouldn't
the ones I knew you would
the ones you always do